apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
