The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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