So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
