my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
