So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
