Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
