If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
