we're chasing vodka with high fives
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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