U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
