I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
