At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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