I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
