mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
