I didn't shave. On purpose
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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