Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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