dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
