...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
