there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
