That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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