Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
