11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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