Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
