i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
