I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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