I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
