he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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