please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
