8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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