Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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