So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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