worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
