and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
