he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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