I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
