it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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