i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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