I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
