I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
