I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
