Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
