My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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