i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
