I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
