I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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