I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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