how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
