He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
