So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
