Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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