Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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