I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Small penises have feelings too.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
