the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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